Here we go. Let’s get this trainwreck started!
Game Freak presents: my public shaming on the internet.
Oh, okay. This seems peaceful enough so far.
Aw, what a beautiful day.
The perfect day for a little song and–
— oh my god.
That was the quickest 180 I’ve ever seen. From singing a tune one second to getting slugged in the face the next.
Jesus, Pikachu. I don’t know what Jigglypuff did to offend you, but I doubt it called for a sucker-punch.
And now it’s time for YELLING DRAGONS. Man, Pokemon is way more metal than I remember.
Anyhow, let’s get this show on the road.
I, uh… did I? Sorry about that, I guess.
Yeah, I’m playing Pokemon at 3 in the morning. What are you, my mom?
Uh… wait, so who was I talking to before?
Well, whatever. Lay it on me, P. Oaks.
Welcome to the world of POKEMON! My name is OAK. People call me the POKEMON PROF.
Okay but why are you yelling.
This world is inhabited by creatures that we call POKEMON. People and POKEMON live together by supporting each other. Some people play with POKEMON, some people battle with them.
That’s very humane of us.
But we don’t know everything about POKEMON yet. There are still many mysteries to solve. That’s why I study POKEMON every day.
I’ve thought long and hard about this, and the only reasonable choice is…
Cid. Who better to lead our Final Fantasy-themed Pokemon horde to victory?
CID, are you ready? Your very own POKEMON story is about to unfold. You’ll face fun times and tough challenges. A world of dreams and adventures with POKEMON awaits! Let’s go!
With that, I awake to find that the whole conversation I just had was some sort of fever dream.
Guess I’ll head downstairs and meet the family.
Our mother corners me as soon as I get down the stairs. Apparently Prof. Elm is looking for me. She also gives me my “Pokemon Gear” (whatever that is), and explains how a telephone works.
But then she asks the 500 dollar question:
Oh gosh. Oh geez. I… don’t know. Daylight savings time is the only thing I understand less than Pokemon games. I’m going to say… yes?
[According to Google, I was right! Wow!]
I take a quick look around the house before heading outside.
New Bark Town — “The Town Where the Winds of a New Beginning Blow.” Kind of overwrought for a town motto, but I can dig it.
Seems like a pretty quiet town… except for this one lady spying on Elm’s lab.
She physically assaults me when I try talking to her. …and it doesn’t seem like there’s anything we can do about it. Like, I don’t know, call the cops?
Oh well. I’m sure she’s not part of this game’s equivalent of Team Rocket or anything. Nothing to see here.
Let’s head inside.
Professor Elm’s waiting for us.
Yessir. I came to begin my epic coming-of-age story!
Hit me. I’m ready, coach.
Well, this weirdo who calls himself MR. POKEMON sent me an email saying he discovered something cool about POKEMON.
That’s… vague. And sketchy. But go on.
I want you to go meet him. I’m too important to be arsed.
Take one of these rare POKEMON and get going.
YES. Now we’re talking. What’re my options, Doc?
So, option 1 is Cyndaquil, a super-cute, um, fire hedgehog thing.
Then there’s option 2, Totodile. A radical little crocodile baby.
Or you could pick option 3, Chikorita. A… gross mucus blob with a necklace.
Wow. It’s a tough call between, well, two of these, but I think I’ll go Fire on this run.
Cyndaquil it is. Now we just need a name.
Female fire Pokemon, huh? We need a firey, badass name for her. A firey, badass pirate‘s name, maybe?